Calling “Timeout”
College football season just ended, which means that up until earlier this month, there was a lot of football on our TV. While I generally have very little interest in watching sports (I identify as a Michigan-fan-by-marriage) there are a few aspects of the game I find intriguing, one being the timeout.
As I understand it (in my non-sports brain), here are the rules of a timeout:
Either team can call a timeout.
Timeouts last for an agreed upon length of time.
During the timeout, both teams get to regroup, regardless of who called it.
I talk about timeouts with the clients I work with quite often, though in a different context.
Timeouts can be a useful communication tool. Just like a coach can call a timeout to rethink strategy and avoid a penalty, timeouts in difficult interactions can be important in preventing dialogue from moving into its own penalty area–conversation that is unhelpful at best, harmful at worst.
When thinking about timeouts in our conversations, the rules of football actually are quite relevant to use as guidelines.
Either person can call a timeout. Both partners have permission to “call it” on the conversation, regardless of who said what or who started it.
Timeouts last for an agreed upon length of time. This is where a lot of people get stuck. Couples call “timeouts” but aren’t on the same page about what they mean. In college football, both teams know timeouts last 90 seconds (before you get excited about my sports knowledge, know I Googled this.) In our version, we need them to last a little longer. Experts suggest taking at least a 30 minute timeout. I typically recommend, depending on the circumstances, that folks consider between 30 minutes and 24 hours. The critical part is that this is decided immediately after the timeout is called, so both people know when the conversation will be resumed.
During the timeout, both people get to regroup, regardless of who called it. One of the most important features of a timeout is what you do during that time. This is where your own strategies come into play. Use grounding and self-soothing techniques to regulate and calm down. Write out your emotions and what you want your partner to understand when you talk about it again. Consider the person and partner you want to be and how you can show up differently to the conversation when it resumes.
A crucial thing to remember is that a timeout is a pause in the game. It does not signal game over. Play resumes after a timeout ends, and similarly, in our difficult conversations, a timeout has to signal a pause, not an end. By giving yourselves permission to call timeouts, agreeing on an among of time, and using the pause wisely, you can set yourselves up to revisit the conversation in a different, more productive way.
