Self-Compassion Check
Many of us would say we’re our own worst critics. We can be harsh about our mistakes and beat ourselves up in the name of self-improvement.
But studies have shown that self-criticism doesn’t make us do better; rather, it keeps us stuck and hinders us from making change.
Instead, when we mess up, what’s most helpful is to use self-compassion.
Self-compassion has three elements:
Self-kindness
Mindfulness
Common humanity
Self-kindness reminds us to be nice to ourselves instead of falling into criticism and self-blame. Mindfulness is the reminder that this is only a moment in time. Not only will it pass, but it shouldn’t be given any more or less attention than other moments. Finally, common humanity allows us to acknowledge that this was an experience that others have had or will have, because it’s part of being human and experiencing life.
For example, you overslept and missed a meeting at work. How easy it can be to start being cruel and unforgiving to yourself! You might be ruminating on your mistake all day, letting it distract your from getting other work done.
However, a more self-compassionate inner dialogue might go like this:
“You overslept and missed your meeting. It was a mistake. It doesn’t mean anything about your worth as an employee or a person (self-kindness.) This feels really awful. It won’t always feel this bad…soon everyone will move on (mindfulness.) I am not the only one who has ever missed something important, because we are humans and we make mistakes. No one is perfect all of the time (common humanity.) Now, I need to reach out to my boss and apologize.”
Self-compassion doesn’t mean absolving you of your error. It just changes our approach to acknowledging where we messed up, and creates more space for us to actually do something about it by not letting us get stuck in the shame or self-blame.
To start practicing some self-compassion, try these exercises:
-Imagine your favorite person in the same position that you’re in right now. Would you say the critical things you’re telling yourself to them? What might you say to them instead? Can you extend that kindness to yourself?
-Imagine the sports coach you’d want you or your child to have. We don’t want a coach that’s berating and cruel, but we also don’t want a coach that’s overly positive and out of touch with the reality. We’d want a coach that can acknowledge mistakes and believe we can improve. What would this coach say?
-Notice when your self-criticism gets loud and name it! Sometimes just bringing our attention to that part can be helpful: “Wow, I’m noticing I’m being really mean to myself.” Try to be neutral and nonjudgmental about it—we can’t beat ourselves up about beating ourselves up and expect that to help!
