Let’s Talk About Envy

Some feelings are easy to talk about.

These are the feelings we post about on social media–we’re feeling happy, content, proud, or even angry.

Other emotions we tend to pretend don’t exist beyond our internal world, including the green-eyed monster of a feeling–envy.

Envy, according to Merriam-Webster, is a “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.” We want something that we think other people have, and it hurts. Adding to the painfulness are the societal and religious messages we get about envy–it’s ungrateful, it’s pointless, or it’s sinful.  

Let’s zoom out a bit. Envy is an emotion. Emotions are neurochemical releases in the brain that happen in response to something. Emotions have evolved with us because they provide us with important data. This data itself is neutral, meaning the emotion is neutral. Our feelings aren’t good or bad. 

Sure, we have emotions that feel pleasant and unpleasant, or, in the case of envy, feel painful. We may act in ways that we label as “bad” when we feel an emotion, meaning that our behavior doesn’t align with what we care about or who we want to be. But it doesn’t make our feelings morally good or bad. There is no such thing as “bad” emotion.

If we’re noticing envy come up, it’s important that we don’t immediately write it off as “bad” and try to stop feeling it. We can’t help how we feel. Try to acknowledge the envy and understand what data it’s trying to share. 

Maybe there’s another feeling under there that hasn’t been resolved. Maybe there is something missing from your life that you actually need. Maybe the thing that you’re envious of isn’t at all what you need, but there’s something else there that requires your attention. Maybe acknowledging envy helps you move toward the life you want.

And maybe it’s worth talking about a little more.